


The What Ifs

by Intangible7



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: F/M, M/M, tony stark - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-02-05
Updated: 2018-11-18
Packaged: 2019-03-13 23:29:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 6,150
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13581213
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Intangible7/pseuds/Intangible7
Summary: Tony had left his high school years in the past, but recently his old boyfriend, Loki, decided to ease his way into Tony's life. Tony now can hardly focus on his upcoming wedding to Pepper when he's invested in these letters and finding out why Loki decided to do this after almost twenty years. The only way for him to do this is to track Loki down.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Something I found in my docs. I cannot remember where exactly I was going with it, but I think I have the slightest idea.

The What Ifs

Someone keeps writing Tony a series of letter

(Sadish)

____

“Pepper! I'm home!” Tony shouted as he sifted through the mail. One piece caught his eye. In swirly cursive handwriting it said, ‘The What Ifs’. It had no address on it,but when he opened it he was sure it was for him. 

‘Dear Tony,

Do you remember the first time?’ 

The handwriting was so familiar to him, he knew this person that was for certain. 

‘because I do…’ 

Pepper came out, “Hey, you're home early. “ She kissed Tony and he slipped the letter into his back pocket, “Mmf, Why don't I get kisses like that more often?” 

Pepper smirked, pulling Tony toward the bedroom.

‘You walked up to me and said, ‘you're the most androgynous mother fucker I've ever seen’ but then you called me sexy. Tony Stark, the most popular guy in school, called me sexy.’

Tony read the letter as Pepper was sleeping peacefully by his side. 

‘What an honor I was bestowed. How could such a powerful guy acknowledge my presence?

But you did. And it filled my heart with joy.’

Tony frowned slightly.

‘The first year you rarely talked to me after that, maybe a glance or two in the hallway. Then halfway through the year you kissed me...do you remember that?’

The billionaire felt like he was going to be sick. God why'd he have to do this? 

‘I've just been thinking lately...I need to get this off my chest…’

Tony crumbled up the paper, throwing it away. 

‘Loki’   
�


	2. Memories

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's funny what the mind choices to remember...And what it choices to forget

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Found what I assumed was chapter two, so I finished it up,

‘I never got the chance to tell you, but that kiss was my first.’

Tony had let these letters pile up, he was not in the mood to relive high school. Eventually, the week while Pepper was away, he picked one up, not even sure if it was in order. 

‘I'm sure you could have guessed though, I wasn't the most social, but again, you know that.’

Tony tried to picture Loki on his mind. He hadn't done that in so long.

‘What was it that you liked about me so much? I've always been curious to know.’

The brunette pictured, long dark hair, unruly when wet and elegant when slicked back. 

‘I can tell you what I liked about you. Your brown eyes.’

Eyes. What color were Loki's Eyes?

‘Beautiful, sad brown eyes.”

Tony frowned, “Sad?” he mumbled to himself. “Sad, brown eyes…” he thought for a moment, there was a memory there that he couldn't grasp onto.

‘Lately, I’ve been thinking about the night you came to me crying. It never dawned on me that you only knew where I lived because of parties that Thor threw. I don’t know why that is important now, but it is in some way, right. You knew where I lived because of Thor...I wanted you to know where I lived because of me.’

Tony tilted his head as he leaned back against the bed.

‘Silly huh?’

“Fuck,” Tony mumbled as he crumbled another letter, tossing it into the trash. He wasted no time tearing open another, nearly ripping the letter itself in the process.

‘I realize these letters are short. I’m sorry for that. Maybe in writing shorter letters I am prolonging the time that I get to write to you. Even if you are not reading these, I find release in them. I have not been able to move on. I’ve tried.’

‘You were important to me, in that you were the first person that showed me any kind of kindness. You were the only one who had ever called my feminine looks beautiful. I hate that you had that impact on me.”

The brunette still tried to picture Loki in his mind.Sure it’d been...twenty years, but how could he forget someone so important to him. Or someone that was so important to im at one point in his life. He set the letter aside on the nightstand and snuggled under the blankets.

‘I hate that I even got to know you…’

He closed his eyes, drifting off to sleep,

‘As much as I want to, I do not hate you though. I do not believe I ever will.’

‘Loki…’


	3. Mistakes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 'What if you were a mistake?'

‘I suppose it's time for me to organize these letters in an orderly manner instead of rambling.’ 

‘So, I'll do that.’

Tony had four letters that he let build up and they were quite long. He'd mixed them up on accident so he had an awful time opening them all and trying to fix them in the right order. It would have been great if the pale fucker had put the dates on them at the very least, but of course Loki wouldn't. Loki was proper, he’d never forget anything, Tony remembered that now. It was in his nature. So this had to be on purpose.

Tony also remembered that was what he liked about Loki. He was quiet, reserved and mischievous.

‘When you told me that you thought I was sexy I thought about that moment for weeks on end. I struggled just to even think of anything else that wasn't that moment.’

‘In all honesty, there was a point where I almost considered myself asexual, as I rarely found anyone sexually appealing, or romantically for that matter. I wasn't even sure what I felt for you in those moments, all that I knew was that I was very intrigued, but still very, very afraid to talk to you.’

Tony found himself somewhere between a frown and a smile. All these memories of Loki became a little less foggy, only a little, but even the faintest of the memories brought him subtle joy, even though he knew better; after all, he knew this was not a happy ending at all.

Originally he didn’t know why he had approached Loki at school. He remembered being at Thor’s party the night before and he went upstairs to use the upstairs bathroom. Tony knew the path well, but he was drunk off his ass, as he usually was at the parties. He ended up stumbling into Loki’s room and the other was cuddled up under the covers, reading a book. The raven-haired glanced up at Tony in slight disgust at his drunken state.

“That blonde idiot said none of you drunkards would wander up here.” Loki climbed out of bed, wavy hair falling over his shoulders.

“Mmm, you look different.” Tony slurred.

“Bathroom is to the left Stark.” Loki mumbled, “Do me a favor and tell your drunk friends to quiet themselves.”

With that Loki had slammed the door in his face.

Tony was too drunk to be mad at the door being slammed, also he was intrigued...and he had to pee so…  
The next morning he woke up with a massive hangover and passed out on a familiar couch that was also not his. Tony yawned and stretched, smelling something amazing.

Tony remembered Loki standing over the stove cooking breakfast.

He looked beautiful.

When he walked down the hall for school that morning, he spotted the beauty again.Tony grabbed Loki’s arm gently.

“You're the most androgynous motherfucker I've ever seen.” He remembered saying that so easily. Loki’s features were so soft and feminine. “It’s sexy...you’re sexy, I mean…” Tony grinned before he started backing away, still looking at Loki.

Loki’s face lit up with a red color and Tony chuckled as he walked away finally turning his back to Loki.

‘I thought you were messing with me, especially when you ignored me for the next three months. So, again, you were either messing with me or you were...confused?’

“I was…”Tony found himself mumbling as he set the letter down. He heard the door open so he assumed Pepper was home. Quickly he shoved the letters in his sock drawer.

It wasn’t cheating if he was receiving letters from an ex-lover...boyfriend? He wasn’t sure what Loki was at all. Pepper didn’t even know that he had a possible ex-boyfriend.

“Tony, we have a charity event tonight.” Pepper called, “Get ready, I don’t want to be late again.”

Tony sighed dramatically, going to get ready.

‘When you looked at me that day at lunch and you told me to meet you out in the hallway, my heart raced. I was nervous, even more nervous when you stood so close to me, and when you leaned in, your lips grazed against mine and I let it happen. They felt so good against mine, Anthony. They were slightly chapped, but that was even better somehow.’ 

‘Tony Stark was kissing me and I was addicted to it. I knew that I wanted you to kiss so much more. You pulled away and I pulled you back in because I wasn’t ready to stop. I knew if that was what kissing, I wanted more of it. 

‘From you.’

‘Only from you.’

 

Tony swallowed thickly at Loki’s description of the kiss, it sent a chill down his spine. He felt the same as Loki had in that moment. He was intoxicated by Loki. Despite them rarely talking, Tony racked up the nerve to just grab a guy and kiss him. Was that even okay?

Somehow he knew that Loki was into though. Not to sound cocky, but he knew Loki had to like him, there was no way he hadn’t.

‘What if you never kissed me? Would things be different?  
You always hear people say not to dwell on the past, but that statement alone is terrible. We dwell on the past everyday, it is an unavoidable state of mind. How blind are we that we easily speak a statement such as that. How can you not dwell on the past, but also learn from past mistakes?’

Tony never worried about past mistakes anymore. It caused him heartache. He used to stay up day in and out thinking about the lives his weapons took. 

‘I think you can tell that I think about my mistakes quite often.’

Tony used to think about how he’d wish he was nicer to his mother.

‘My dwelling needs to stop, but I cannot help but wonder.’

He’d wished his father was alive to see him marry Pepper, the woman he loved, maybe he would have finally been proud.

‘What if you were mistake?’

Tony frowned, leaning back in his chair at home, still dressed in his now wrinkled suit from the charity event, Pepper had long since gone to bed.

‘Or what if this is all my fault?’

‘Loki’

Tony still couldn’t grasp onto why Loki was doing this. Was it some sort of guilt trip or was it really just to make himself feel better. 

Either way, Tony hated it.

As he did the last letter, he crumpled this one up, tossing it into the trash before going off to bed and trying to get some sleep.  
�


	4. Remember

‘I feel as if this is all convoluted.’

‘Where should I begin again and what details should I leave out? This would be painstakingly long if I detailed everything.’

‘...I guess I'll start with the good parts.’

‘Even though you kept me a secret, I felt special to you. I knew that in some way I had to be. Sometimes you were just too involved with yourself and you didn't know how to balance what you wanted and what I wanted.’

Pepper had said a similar thing to him when they first started dating. He frowned, surveying his room that was mainly decorated by Pepper. He didn't keep many secrets from her, so keeping these letters were torture. He was going insane, he rip the letters up into little pieces now before trashing them, even when he was in his lab.

Somehow though, hiding this from her felt right. He didn't want Pepper to think any less of him.

‘It was terrible sometimes, because even though I did not yet love you at this point, I wanted you so badly to be a part of my world.’

‘I imagined a future with you, Anthony.’

‘Why didn't you want one with me?’

“I didn't want a future with anybody.” Tony mumbled. Pepper was the only one he'd ever imagined a future with, and that was only because she hinted at marriage on occasion.

What would he of said if Loki ever hinted at marriage?

‘Do you remember our first date?’

‘Could we even call it a date? We hung out in the basement of your house and you order food for us. You had to sneak me downstairs so your parents wouldn't see me, it was kind of exciting.’

.  
“Stay here, I'll get the food.” Tony ran up stairs, coming back with two plates and some take out. He sat at the couch with Loki and smiled, “You like pasta right?”

“Yes.” Loki nodded.

They started eating and Loki leaned against Tony. As they finished up Tony wrapped his arms around Loki as he laid on the couch. The raven haired male laid on top of Tony, laying his head against his chest. “You're so warm.” Tony mumbled softly as his hands slid down Loki's back before they rested on the thin teen’s hips. 

“Yeah?” Loki lifted his head, looking down at Tony fondly.

“Yeah.” Tony leaned up and kissed Loki softly. The other's face turned red as Tony’s hands found Loki's ass.

They hadn't gone much further than kissing over these few weeks. It made Loki even more nervous the longer they waited, but at the same time he was nervous about doing anything further.

Tony trailed his tongue into Loki's mouth, humming as he felt Loki lightly press against him. “Tony.” the male on top of Tony gave a needy whine that shot right to Tony's groin. “I want…” Loki trailed off, his face completely red as he sat up, straddling Tony's hips.

“You want what?” Tony's hands slid up Loki's slender thighs. 

Loki was at a loss for words, not knowing how to say what he wanted without dying of embarrassment. He took a deep breath before sliding of his shirt and tossing it aside. Tony surveyed the pale skin carefully. His fingertips brushed against Loki's chest. 

“Do you even know what you're asking me to do?” Tony asked as he admired Loki's skin.

“I have an idea.” Loki said with little to no confidence.

“I think that we should wait.” Tony smiled, “But I appreciate the view.” He leaned up and kissed Loki's chest.

‘We waited, which gave me a sense of relief, but I also had this silly notion that you didn't want to have sex with me.’

‘I thought maybe you were still wrapping your head around being with a guy, and part of you found me repulsive.’

‘Maybe not...repulsive, but you get what I mean…’

Tony remembered Loki's smooth, untouched skin. It had no scars or bruises, that is, until he started getting bullied.

Loki was gorgeous in Tony's eyes though. He can't believe Loki ever thought he was repulsed by him.

‘I think that I am still stuck on you because there are so many things we never talked about, because you didn't want to. And it still hurts now knowing the you still have the opportunity to run away if you're not reading these letters.’

‘I hope you aren't just tossing them aside.’

‘This is really important to me. Think of someone else for once.’


	5. Firm

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm terrible at updating, but then again, the longer I wait to update the more thought, and length, I put into these chapters.
> 
> I hope you enjoy!

‘I think its it's safe to say that you and I will never meet again.

I can't see how that could, or would happen.

Mostly because I won't let myself see you again. Obviously I know where you reside, everyone knows. For months I debated if getting unmarked and unaddressed letters to you was possible without seeming creepy.’

Tony hadn't really given that much thought. 

‘Something like that doesn't even cross your mind does it? That's sad, mostly because any other celebrity tries and keep their private life a more private, but not Anthony Stark. You stroked your ego for too long to simply be ignored I suppose.’

Tony grunted in disapproval, because it wasn't true. He just couldn't help himself sometimes. 

He decided he was going to find Loki. This had gone on far too long. He'd have to start with the mailperson he supposed, that's the only lead he'd have.

‘Anyways, back to reliving the past.’

‘You really starting getting a little more hands on with me, but I always hated how you touched me so gently, like you were afraid I was going to break. Everything was always so hesitant and unsure.’

‘it was not reassuring in the slightest time have you not be the confident one. Your whole demeanor changed and I think it was because you were not sure what to do with me.’

‘At school though, I hardly existed to you, especially when Fandral picked me as his new target.’

.  
Tony was talking to Clint when he saw Fandral down the hall with Loki. He had looked back at Clint when a loud metal bang sounded out. Nearly everyone in the hall turned to see Loki hit the lockers and fall to the ground. 

Tony winced, watching the fragile teen fall with a thud.

Clint pulled Tony over to the soon to be fight, saying something about getting a good spot. Everything happened so fast and the hall filled with indecent students who only wanted to see Loki’s impending doom. 

Tony didn't know what to do, or what to say. Loki tried his best to fight back, but the blonde was much bigger and faster. 

As Fandral pinned Loki down he saw Tony among the onlookers. A growl escaped his throat as he saw Tony back out of the crowd and walk away. 

All Tony heard as he retreated was Loki shout ‘fuck you’ you at the top of his lungs. He knew it was meant for him.

Later Loki was sent to the hospital for minor injuries and he was there for a few days.  
.  
‘Even though I hated you in that moment, I think it hurt the most that you didn't come visit me.’  
.

Tony avoided Loki like the plague when he came back to school but eventually Loki tracked him down at lunch. 

The brunette was squared away in the science lab working on a few thing when he was pushed off of his stool.

He looked up to find a very angry loki.

“Why did you not help me?” he practically hissed. “Or at the least come visit me.”

“I-"

“You treat me like I'm this...this fragile little doll and then you let someone else kick my ass without any courage to step in and help me. Some freshman kids stepped in and helped but not my own boyfriend.”

“Loki, I fucked up, I know but-” Tony stood but Loki struck him across the face. “What the hell-".

Loki pushed Tony, “Do something.” 

“What do you want me to do, Loki?” he felt himself get angrier, but he didn't act on it.

“do anything. Just do something.” Loki growled and he pushing turned into hitting Tony's chest until the brunette grabbed his wrists. “Hit me!” he said as he struggled against Tony.

Tony stared at Loki in disbelief and confusion. “You're being ridiculous.”

“No, I'm not.” Loki said, finally getting a hand released from Tony's grip and slapping him with as much force as he could muster up.

Tony reacted quickly, before even realizing, and he struck Loki across the face so hard the other fell to the ground. “Are you fucking happy, Loki?” he shouted, though he felt regret as he looked at the other. He gritted his teeth after a moment and knelt down to help Loki up, but Loki moved forward slamming their lips together in an intimate kiss. It was sloppy but passionate and they both felt their anger subside. Loki pushed Tony into his back and straddled his hips, the pain he still felt in his cheek was, reassuring somehow. 

Loki took Tony’s hands, bringing them up to rest on his hips gently. “ I'm not going to break Anthony.” he said, his voice low and horse. “I don't want to be touched like this.” He moved Loki's hands to gently roam over his body, “I want firm touches.” he breathed.

Tony understood, press his fingers a bit firmer into Loki’s skin. This was insane, but Tony was slightly into it.

Loki looked down at him thoughtfully. Before he spoke, “I should break up with you.” 

“You didn’t though.” Tony gave Loki’s thighs a hard squeeze.

“I like you a lot…” Loki said barely above a whisper. 

“I know.” Tony sighed. “I don't know if that's a good thing or not.”  
He said as Loki leaned in to kiss him.  
.  
‘I guess I'm not like most people. The second chances I gave you wouldn't have ever happened if I was anyone else.’ 

‘-Loki’

Remembering that made Tony sick to his stomach. He was so caught up in the letter that he hadn't realized Pepper standing behind him, eyes seemingly focused on the letter.


	6. Trust

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Work was hella slow so...here you go. 
> 
> Just to let you know. I post these chapters and then I dojt proof read them until like a couple of days later which, I know is shitty, but if you see a whole lot of typos that's why.

“So if I was receiving letters from an ex of mine, you'd be okay with that?” Pepper crossed her arms.

“Not everything had to be turned around like that Pepper.” Tony said, keeping calm because somehow when they got into a yelling match Pepper always won. “Look, I...What of something happened to him? Or something was...or is wrong?” 

“Tony, I don't want you to get involved with your obsessive ex. Who tracks down someone and sends them unmarked letters?” Pepper said, “You just-"

“So I should just let something bad happen?” 

“No. I'm not saying that Tony, but you don't need to get involved in...in this.” she gestured to the letters. 

They were silent for a moment before she looked at Tony and spoke.

“Do you still have feelings for him?” She frowned as Tony seemed hesitant to answer.

“I don't think I...i can't say i know if i do right now. But i can say that I'm just finding out that in one point in time I did.” he shrugged.

“I have to go. Until you work this out.”

“Why?”

“He could be dangerous or...or come back for revenge or anything Tony!” pepper raised her voice, “I'm worried for you, but if you're going to continue to read these letters, I can't be here for that.”

“Pepper!” Tony called after her retreating back, “I can't just not help him!”

She slammed the door. Leaving him standing in the penthouse by himself. When she didn't come back after a week, he assumed she was serious.l, so he decided to go ahead and keep reading the letters. No use in trying to reason with her again.

He’d saved up about four letters to read because he was holding off until he could confront whoever brought the mail.

This is how he ended up early Tuesday morning, running outside after the mail carrier in his boxers.

“Wait!” Tony yelled after her as fast as he could, mind you he wasn't out of shape, but he was barefoot and it also had been a while since he ran. “Who gives you these letters?” 

She seemed baffled, a light blush staining her face as she looked him over. “Um, the post office. They come rubber band together, Mr. Stark.” 

Tony sighed dramatically and looked at her, “Where's the post office?”

He'd head there tomorrow morning. For now he decided to just read a couple of letters inside.

Tony halfheartedly thanked her before he made his journey back up to the penthouse. 

‘After Fandral came back to school, nothing changed. He was still picking on me, but I didn't bother telling you in fear that you'd just be a bystander again.’

‘I thought you wouldn't care. That is until you saw him push me against the lockers. He was pressed against me and-’

Tony remembered that. The blonde was trying to kiss Loki and Tony just snapped.

‘-he tried to crush his lips against mine. After he succeeded, I was in shock, I didn't know what to do.’  
.  
Tony saw Fandral kiss Loki and he saw Loki didn't seem to mine after the fact. That's when Tony went up to them and he grabbed shoulder, making him turn around and punching him across the face. 

Before the blonde could speak Tony was punching him repeatedly. Loki tried desperately to tell Tony to stop, but he wouldn't. It wasn’t until Steve pulled Tony off of the unconscious Fandral that anyone could get him to stop. 

He looked down at what he did to the blonde in his jealousy fueled rage and shoved Steve off of him before he turned to Loki. 

“I know he's been hurting you and you wouldn't tell me because you don't trust me.” Tony said. 

Steve held Tony back, not knowing what could happen. He'd never seen Tony like this. 

“Well, if he fucking touches you again this is just the beginning. Do you at least trust that? I've been bending over backwards this month trying to prove myself after what happened.”

“Tony, calm down.” he heard Steve say to him.

He didn't realize he was shouting before, when did that happen?

Tony backed away before he took off running out of the school. A crowd of kids gathered around Fandral as the blonde woke up.

The brunette never got in trouble because Fandral never told. That wasn’t his style. Though he’d definitely get even.  
.  
‘I couldn't speak, even as you ran away.’

‘I was scared. You are covered in someone else's blood, Anthony.’ 

That was definitely something Tony had wanted to forget. At the time, Tony had gotten kicked out of his house. Him and his father got into another argument about the stupid company that Tony didn't even want to be a part of. He ended up saying some things he shouldn't have and he ended up sleeping over at Steve’s house for a while, he hadn't told Loki and instead he ended up taking his anger out on Fandral.

He could admit now that beating up Fandral was only partly because of jealousy. He just had so much pent up rage that he had to let it go. 

Tony let it go too much that day though.

‘I contemplated actually breaking up with you. Yes, I was thankful, but I was also overwhelmed with everything.’

‘That is until you came to my house one night.’  
.  
Tony let himself in Thor’s backdoor, which the big blonde always kept open for him for nights when Tony and his father had a fight. Thor did not like being woken up.

The Brunette headed up to Loki’s room and the raven haired Male was surprisingly up.

“What’re you doing here?” Loki asked in a hushed tone as he got up to close the door behind Tony. 

“Thor leaves the backdoor open for me.” he said softly. He lightly pushed Loki against the door, leaning in to kiss him. Tony stopped just as he was about to kiss loki's lips because he felt the other tense. “May I?”

Loki nodded, hesitantly and leaned forward more to kiss Tony fully. He covered as Tony pressed closer, leaving no room between them.

Loki wrapped his arms around Tony as the brunette carried him to the bed.

“I'm sorry for not protecting you before.” Tony murmured against Loki’s lips. 

“It’s okay, Tony.” Loki rasped softly as Tony laid him down. 

.  
‘I felt happy. I loved that night. It made a difference in how I looked at you.’

‘-Loki’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I debated if this behavior was ooc for Tony. But its and AU so...I dunno


	7. Cucumbers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A sweet little chapter

‘Things were fantastic. You were fantastic. I loved everything about you.’

‘For weeks we were happy and you actually acknowledged my presence at school. It reassuring to have my boyfriend wrap his arms around me in the hall. Keep in mind, I didn't care about the PDA, but I also did care about it. It meant you were serious about us. Even though you lost some friends over it, you didn't back down.’  
.  
“What’re you doing?” Tony chuckled as Loki got down on his knees in front of him, only after pushing him to the bed.

“I watched a few videos online and I practiced.” Loki looked up at Tony innocently with big green eyes as he started to unbuckle Tony's belt. 

It instantly hit him that Loki was talking about and he couldn't think of anything hotter than Loki practicing giving a blowjob. 

“what'd you practice on? Not other guys I hope.” Tony teased.

Loki rolled his eyes and blushes, “Cucumbers, bananas, then I realized that might be too big compared to you and starting practicing on baby carrots instead.” He cooed playfully. 

“Ouch.” Tony said dramatically. “I'm sure I'm too your liking.” He winked before noticed loki's hesitation. “There’s no rush, babe. We can wait.”

“But I--" 

“Show me how you've been practicing.” Tony interrupted.

“You want to see me suck on a cucumber?” Loki raised his brows before shrugging. He disappeared only to come back later with a decent sized cucumber. 

The brunette watched in anticipation as loki's lips wrapped around the vegetable after the raven-haired Male settled between his legs. There was something elegant about the way it slid into his mouth. 

It was easily eight inches, and Loki was taking it pretty far. Tony wondered if Loki even had a gag reflex. He ran his hand through Loki’s hair in encouragement as he watched, because yes, as weird as this was, it was a turn on.

Also, Tony wondered how long Loki had been practicing, because the way his tongue wrapped around the cucumber sent a chill down Tony's spine. He could imagine how great Loki would be at wrapping those pink, innocent lips around him. 

“Fuck, Lo. You are single-handedly the most perfect person in the world.” Tony said, aiding Loki in pulling the vegetable out of his mouth so that they could kiss.

Loki kissed him back passionately, mouth still wet, and sloppy from before, but Tony didn't seem to mind. The teen moved over Tony, feeling the brunette’s hard-on press against his inner thigh. He positioned himself to grind down against Tony, moaning softly. His moans were music to Tony's ears. The brunette gripped Loki’s hips, bringing him down with more force. 

“T-tony.” Loki rasped eagerly.

“Are you close?” Tony moved a bit faster up against Loki. 

Loki nodded.

“I wanna see you cum, Lo. Can i?” Tony reached for the top of loki's pants.

Another nod. 

This was the part that was foreign to him. Usually in his situation there was only one dick, but the need to see Loki’s was strong. He freed Loki’s member just enough to where he could run his fingers along it. He barely even made it back up to the head before Loki came. 

The face Loki made was amazing. The best part was the way he called Tony's name. 

“How was that, princess?” It was one of the many nicknames Tony came up with for Loki.

“Mm…” was all Loki could say as he came down from his high. 

Tony chuckled softly, “let's get you to the shower.” He said, noticing just how much Loki enjoyed himself as he looked down at his hand and Loki’s soiled jeans. 

“But what about you?” 

Tony grunted as Loki wiggles his hips down against him. “This was about you.” he said, sitting up. “I'll be fine.”

“Shower with me?”

“You're testing my self control.” Tony groaned, trying to will away his boner as he was pulled to the bathroom   
.  
‘That was a memory I will always treasure. I adored the way you took your time with me. I think about that day a lot.’ 

‘-Loki’


	8. Fights

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Honestly, I forgot this story existed. Lmao. My bad.

‘Our relationship was unhealthy. I know we both can agree on that. When we fought it often was physical. We also mastered verbal abuse; we perfected it.’

Tony remembered how when Loki became angry he loved it. Sometimes he made Loki mad on purpose. The raven-haired male did the same thing to him. When they argued was when they were the most passionate, while at the time they had never had sex. They both agreed that when they finally do have sex, it shouldn't be out of anger. 

‘I was happy with you, but in being with you my mental health was continuously going through its ups and downs. We were walking on eggshells because we weren't aware of when the fight would get physical or just verbal. 

I know that neither of us really had anger issues; we were just two passionate people who knew how to push each other's buttons.

I find it repulsive that the thought and the sight of you being angry fills me with desire. I hate you because that isn't something that I can blame you for. It's my fault for having an unnecessary need for violence from you. I provoked you.’

Tony understood where Loki was coming from. He loved when Loki was angry, when his eyes welled with tears, when he was passionate.

‘There were of course more ups than there were downs. Overall, I knew that I really liked you. Whether I like it or not, you were my first love. You were able to get a of my firsts.

First kiss, first dance, first love, first time having sex, or doing anything relatively sexual for that matter. 

And I got nothing of yours. 

Well, I suppose you could count first boyfriend. 

But I wanted something more special than that. 

I wanted to truly be your first love. ‘

Tony thought hard about this. Had Loki been his first love? Had he even loved Loki?

They were always fighting over petty little things. That couldn't possibly be what love is. He and Pepper fought sure, but never physically and not even close to the level that he and Loki had. 

As Loki had said though, the arguments fueled a passion that neither of them knew they had until they met. 

…

Tony was laying down on Loki's bed, nursing his fifth beer of the night as he watched his boyfriend study. Loki was getting increasingly agitated because Tony's drinking. Tony was a borderline alcoholic.

“Anthony, I have already told you I don't like it when you drink that much. You're insufferable when you're drunk.” Loki looked up from his book to stare at Tony. 

“And I already told you I don't care.” Tony finished up his beer before standing to go down to the kitchen to get another.

Loki grabbed Tony's wrist pulling him back, “At least have enough respect for me in my house to do as I say.”

“Fuck you, even when we're outside of the house and i'm not drunk you start shit and expect me to listen to you like I'm a child.” he slurred.

“because you are.” Loki snapped, getting a tighter grip on Tony's wrist. Unfortunately for him when Tony tried to jerk his hand away Loki fell out of his chair and onto the floor. 

Loki gritted his teeth, “If you want to drink yourself to death, go ahead, but don't expect me to be here and watch.” he looked up at Tony intensely before the other gave him one last glance before leaving. 

This was their longest break, lasting about two weeks. In that time they hadn't talked to each other or looked at each other. They both missed each other though. Loki yearned for Tony to apologize or for he himself was able to put his pride aside and apologize. 

A couple of days later his wish was granted. Tony pulled Loki outside one day during school. It all happened so fast, one minute he was walking down the hallway and the next he's pressed against the bricks of the building with his boyfriend pressed flush against him. Tony kissed Loki passionately and Loki kissed back. “We're fucked up aren't we.” Tony mumbled against Loki's lips. 

“Yes,” Loki pressed himself against Tony more, “Now stop talking and kiss me.”

Tony complied, picking the other up. Loki wrapped his legs around Tony's waist as the other carried him to the car. Loki supposed skipping the rest of his classes wouldn't hurt. 

…

‘I haven't had a relationship that passionate since. It's amusing, because we were both just teenagers. We were discovering the world together. I miss those times, even with the fighting.

-Loki.’

In a way, Tony missed the fighting too. He hadn't realized all of these years that he repressed the memories of Loki, so much so that he had almost completely forgotten him. 

This was a letter he wanted to keep, so he folded up the paper neatly and put it up for safe keeping. He suddenly regretted ripping up and destroying the other letters. He'd take better care of them from now on. 

He then sat down, opening the next letter.


End file.
